Being a parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. When I transitioned into management, I dove into books on leadership, looking for every detail I could find. But what surprised me was how often the lessons from those books applied to parenting and vice versa. Over time, I found myself using skills I learned as a parent at work and leadership principles at home. Nowadays, when someone in a leadership position asks me what to read, I always recommend two parenting books: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be by Dr. Becky Kennedy. I’ve distilled the information from these books into principles that I try to apply daily, both at work and at home.

Parenting principles translated to leadership

Assume good intentions and acknowledge feelings

Parenting: Dr. Kennedy teaches that children are inherently good, and negative behaviors often reflect unmet needs or emotions. Faber and Mazlish emphasize acknowledging children’s feelings to diffuse tension and build connection.

Leadership: It’s essential to assume that your colleagues generally have good intentions. When things go wrong, instead of jumping to conclusions or assigning blame, recognize the emotions or pressures that may have led to the issue. Adults, like kids, need to feel seen and understood before they can move toward solutions.

Antipatterns:

• Jumping to conclusions: Assuming that a team member’s poor performance or behavior stems from laziness or disinterest, without investigating underlying factors.
• Blame first culture: Creating a workplace where issues are met with immediate blame or punishment, which discourages transparency and accountability.
• Emotional detachment: Dismissing the emotional aspects of a situation, making the team feel like they can’t express challenges openly.

Empathy before solutions and validate, don’t dismiss

Parenting: Both books stress the importance of empathy. Dr. Kennedy urges parents to connect emotionally with their children before trying to correct behavior, while Faber and Mazlish caution against dismissing children’s feelings with quick fixes or platitudes.

Leadership: Empathy should always come before problem-solving. When a team member shares concerns or frustrations, leaders often jump into “fix-it” mode. But your team members need to know their feelings are valid and understood before they’ll be open to solutions. Avoid the temptation to dismiss challenges with quick advice.

Antipatterns:

• Fix-it mode: Offering quick solutions before fully understanding the problem. This can make team members feel unheard and undervalued.
• Dismissiveness: Responding with phrases like “it’s not that bad” or “just deal with it,” which dismisses emotions and damages trust.
• Ignoring empathy: Going straight into problem-solving without pausing to acknowledge the person’s emotional state, which can make leadership seem robotic or cold.

Give choices, not orders, and build agency

Parenting: Faber and Mazlish advocate for offering choices rather than commands, empowering children to make decisions and fostering cooperation. Dr. Kennedy focuses on helping children develop a sense of agency by giving them choices that align with their abilities.

Leadership: Leaders should give structured choices, enabling team members to take ownership of their work. This builds agency and engagement, making people feel more responsible for their tasks and outcomes.

Antipatterns:

• Micromanagement: Dictating every step of a process, which strips team members of autonomy and suppresses creativity.
• Command-and-control: Leading with rigid directives instead of offering choices, leading to disengaged team members who feel they have no say in their work.
• One-size-fits-all approach: Offering the same set of choices to everyone, without considering individual strengths or interests, which can lead to disengagement.

Focus on solutions, not criticism & repair instead of perfection

Parenting: Both books emphasize that focusing on criticism after mistakes is counterproductive. Faber and Mazlish teach parents to engage in problem-solving rather than scolding, while Dr. Kennedy encourages viewing mistakes as opportunities for repair.

Leadership: A solutions-oriented approach fosters a forward-thinking, growth-oriented culture. Encourage your team to see setbacks as chances for learning, not as failures. Mistakes are opportunities to improve—not moments to dwell on criticism.

Antipatterns:

• Perfectionism: Expecting flawless results every time, which creates a fear of failure and suppresses innovation.
• Blame culture: Focusing on assigning blame when things go wrong, rather than problem-solving. This can lead to a toxic environment where people are afraid to admit mistakes.
• Dwelling on errors: Constantly bringing up past mistakes rather than focusing on moving forward, which can demoralize the team.

Set boundaries with compassion and encourage cooperation without punishment

Parenting: Dr. Kennedy advocates for clear, compassionate boundaries—expectations that are set but reinforced with empathy. Faber and Mazlish promote encouraging cooperation through positive communication instead of threats or punishment.

Leadership: Set clear performance and behavior expectations, but address issues with understanding rather than punishment. People respond better when they know the boundaries and feel respected as individuals.

Antipatterns:

• Punitive measures: Using threats or punishment to enforce rules, which can lead to fear-based compliance rather than genuine cooperation.
• Unclear boundaries: Being too vague about expectations, leaving team members confused and stressed about what’s expected of them.
• Inflexibility: Enforcing rules without understanding individual circumstances, leading to resentment and disengagement.

Encourage autonomy through active listening and support over control

Parenting: Faber and Mazlish underscore the importance of actively listening to children and giving them autonomy to solve their own problems. Dr. Kennedy encourages parents to guide and support children, rather than control their every move.

Leadership: Empower your team by listening actively to their concerns and trusting them to devise solutions. Provide guidance and support, but avoid controlling every decision. People thrive when they feel trusted to use their skills and judgment.

Antipatterns:

• Micromanagement: Hovering over every decision, making team members feel like they aren’t trusted or competent.
• Ignoring feedback: Listening without acting on feedback, which makes team members feel their opinions don’t matter.
• Over-directive leadership: Giving specific instructions for every task, preventing team members from developing their problem-solving skills and initiative.

Where I struggle most

I’ve recognized that my biggest challenges come from my natural tendencies. I’ve always had a “fix-it” mindset. When I hear a problem, my first instinct is to jump in and offer a solution right away. I often justify myself saying that it’s a strength in terms of efficiency, but it’s also a pitfall. I often find myself rushing to conclusions without fully understanding the problem or acknowledging the emotions behind it.

This leads me to give specific instructions too quickly, rather than empowering my team to come up with solutions on their own. I also have what I call a “control freak” side. I like to know and understand everything that’s going on, and when things feel out of control, I become insecure. This can lead to micromanaging—something I actively try to avoid but occasionally slip into when I feel uncertain.

Recognizing these tendencies has been an important part of my journey. I constantly remind myself to slow down, listen more, and let go of the need to control every detail. It’s a work in progress, but being aware of these challenges helps me be more intentional in how I lead.